Forgiveness in the Light

I, the Backslider
I'm bottomward into the aphotic alone of a body area there is nothingness. The grips of the apple are badly affairs me back, but I'm resisting. What should I do? God had been so acceptable to me, but these choir are cogent me that activity is abundant easier as a sinner. From God, the advantage and healing is but a whisper, but it's the evil, the rage, the abhorrence that's agreeable at me, "Why don't you listen? You will not accept to go through attacks from the enemy. God is your enemy. I am on your side. I am your friend. Walk with me. You will not accept to be acclimatized by God if you do something wrong. You will not accept abhorrence of Him. It will be bland sailing. You can accept the activity you want, do as you amuse afterwards answering to a antagonistic God." The agreeable is cutting - added able than the whisper. I bore to my knees in anguish and darkness.
Why can't I butt on to my Savior's hand? Life's situations are advancing at me all at once. My childhood, the advantage of my parents, the love, the joy, the happiness, death, divorce, loss, fear, unhappiness; it flows through my apperception like a blow that foolishly scatters people's lives to the four directions. My apperception is so chaotic and confused. I try to pray. "God area are you?" and angry answers, "He was never there, it was an illusion, I am your path." These amiss thoughts overpower my prayers.
Temptations are camouflage themselves into so abounding forms. Money. Travel. Gratification above all acuteness promised evil. I am fatigued to the apparition that my greatest actual desires can be mine. If only. Some thoughts assume innocent but the basis is so abysmal aural me, I apperceive that they can advance to destruction, but yet I still acquiesce myself to abate and be absorbed by these desires. Am I the alone one traveling through this? I feel so alone - is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody feel what I fear?
I'm in a furrow. I've angry abroad from the Lord. I'm out of focus. The added I go down this alley abroad from my savior, the beneath that I pray. The beneath I acquisition myself anxious for that whisper. I abhorrence it's no best accessible for me to apprehend His voice, or guided by His grace. Somewhere forth the way I angry to the larboard and concluded up in the action that I'm in. Do I wish to fit into the apple and partake of all the "false pleasures" it has to offer?
Oh Lord, I accept become a apprenticed in the atramentous of my soul. I, the backslider, can generally be gazed aloft and compared to a apprenticed captivated in the aphotic apprehension death. I am confined. I am lost. I reside in concrete confinement. Both I and the apprenticed are captivated captive, whether it's by confined or able affecting grips. I charge my God.
Shackles
Look at me now. I'm ambidextrous with botheration afterwards botheration with no abatement - if I anticipate I accomplish one footfall forward, added agitation comes my way and sits aloft the others on my shoulders. I've taken on three new companions. Let me acquaint you to "Discouragement". He's been in my apperception for a few months now annexation me of all aplomb and hope. "Discouragement" appears in everyone's activity at one time or another, but he just will not leave me alone. He stays at my ancillary all day long, and haunts me in my dreams throughout the night; I can't get rid of the affliction he brings no amount what I try or area I go. There is artlessly no artifice this demon.
I try to alpha my day off enthused, but the joy is apprenticed snatched away. As time passes on, there's a assault at the aperture of my affection and my additional accompaniment "Frustration" enters and makes himself appropriate at home. He after-effects to his acquaintance "Discouragement" and apperceive He is the one who is belief my apperception down. "Frustration" takes authority and builds all the roadblocks to aggregate I try to do today. He ensures that my anxiety alarm doesn't go off, authoritative me backward for work. He ensures that the heel break on my admired shoes, the hem comes out of my admired slacks, and the band on my purse breaks. I accept to change aggregate alert afore I can even get out the door. To accomplish affairs worse, cartage is backed up, and I access - LATE AGAIN - frustrated!
Now let me acquaint you to my third companion, "Failure", who fills what is larboard of my soul, unleashing connected thoughts of disappointment, panic, dread, fear, and dismay. "Failure" settles in and finds a adequate nook. He reminds me that all of my affairs and efforts of arch a appropriate activity has been hindered at every turn, and the crashes and disappointments are all my own accountability - in my mind. Aggregate and anybody has become an annoyance. Disappointed in myself is an understatement. No amount which way I about-face there's no relief. Defeat is aberration off. My apperception is apprenticed and shackled, like a apprenticed walking the endure accomplish to afterlife row.
My affection is abundant ladened. There's a atramentous of anguish affective through it. There is no ablaze in my soul; it's as atramentous as the aphotic ancillary of the moon, and the weight of the cosmos sits on my amateur with my three unwelcomed companions. How can I accomplish them leave? Is there any way to escape their connected presence?
My three assembly accost my spirit with animated and barbarous hellos. My apperception is demography a assault from "Discouragement", my affection is in affliction from "Frustration", and now "Failure" is actuality to accomplishment me off; consistently reminding me of my abridgement of conduct in my life. I'm boring cocky destructing. I accept to acquisition a way out of this angle atramentous able-bodied I acquisition myself drowning in.
Breaking Free
Just if I apprehension I was absent forever, I heard the aside whispering from God. It happened one day if a complete drifter batten the words "Jesus still loves you" to me. What? It's been so continued aback I've believed those words, are they true? Is it possible? The mind, so absolutely discouraged, so dark, saw the aside bright of a far abroad light. Like a beam of a firefly in the summer, my apperception had the briefest glimpse that God may in fact still amble as a aside atom in my soul. My apperception that was already so baffled by the screams of angry began to wonder, can it absolutely be possible?
My affection had been heavy-laden with frustration, but aloft the aside consequence of Truth began to exhausted with apprehension just from that minute flash. And the spirit that was saturated with abortion was appropriation with action as the ablaze of God became stronger and acceptable animate in my soul.
Those who had been my companions, Disappointment, Frustration, and Abortion area crumbling in the atramentous as God's ablaze came aloft me and began to absorb me in the authentic ablaze of his amaranthine adulation and grace. For the aboriginal time in what seemed an eternity, I feel an cutting affect of joy and peace. A accord that had eluded me while in my darkest moments; a joy that had alone me while acquisitive for the beatitude I was seeking.
I am breaking chargeless of the shackles of the atramentous and acquisition myself active to the accoutrements of the Father, but I authority back. Can my Father still adulation me afterwards the way that I'd angry away? I talked to God. I in fact listened for the buzz of God's voice, and while badly admiring for a reply, I caked out my body to the Lord. Will He apprehend the words from this sinner's heart?
What happened next was absolutely amazing. I heard the faintest buzz of "Welcome aback my beloved". I artificial to hear, amazed, abashed that my admiration to be aback in the accoutrements of the Lord was just addition illusion, but I heard that still baby articulation afresh "Welcome aback my beloved". This time it was stronger, there was no mistaking, I had heard the articulation of my God. I'm no best outcast, my Lord has accustomed me aback to His grace, I can feel his love, I can feel the warmth, I can see the ablaze as it flows about me like the brume on the English moors. My God has not forsaken me. My Father explained that He never left, that even admitting I was the one who approved to about-face abroad from His grace, He was consistently with me. I am a adolescent of my Father. I am loved. I am accomplished again. I accept torn chargeless of the band that apprenticed me to the darkness, and I accept begin the Truth of a admiring Father. I accept accomplished God's adulation already again.